By now, most of you know my story: I lost my mother at 12 years old, lost my father in a sense for a while as he grieved, moved to the city to live with my uncle, experienced an abusive relationship in college, etc. I love my story and I would not change it. Though painful, each experience has made me resilient, relatable and, quite frankly, me. But I see all too often people who hang on to their stories for attention, for sympathy, for comfort and never release the pain attached to those memories. They never forgive the people who evoked their pain. They become trapped in a bottle of their memories, imprisoned by unforgiveness.
Dad and I at my book signing and sale (July 2016)
I am so happy I am not there, but I can't say I've never been there. I have shared previously on the anger I had towards my father when my mummy died. I had no reason to be angry at him. There was nothing he did or anything he could have done to deserve my anger, but it persisted anyway. Once I realized why I was angry, I still could not forgive him in an instant. It took time, but I was committed to it. I went from not being able to stand the sound of his voice to calling him just to talk. I went from hanging up the phone with a mere, "Bye" to saying, "I love you daddy." It's a process, but I was intentional about forgiving him and treating him as someone who had my forgiveness. I walk that forgiveness out daily. Daily.
Daddy and I in Paris, France (July 2016)
Many men have hurt me. Likewise, I have hurt many men. But I have freed them all. I apologized to men who, for years, I felt owed me an apology. Why? Because unforgiveness was imprisoning me, not them. The relationship I went through in college, though painful, showed me that I could be strong. It also showed me the power of sharing your experiences. I have forgiven him completely and we are friends today. Why? Because I don't hold the opinion that a man who hits a woman will forever and ever be a monster, as I have heard some say. I don't think a man who hits a woman at one point in his life should forever be coated with the label, "abuser". That is not forgiveness. We realize now the power of our story to transform lives, and he has accepted my intent to share. That took forgiveness for him. He had to forgive me in his heart and come to an understanding that I wasn't sharing to hurt him, but to help others.
Likewise, Diahann Carroll, a former actress most known for her performance on the popular 80s show Dynasty, learned that forgiveness begets freedom. Well into her 50s, she learned to forgive her parents for abandoning her as a child. I'm sure her story of being abondened at 3/4 years old softened a lot of hearts towards her. I'm sure she was able to use the story to her advantage throughout her career. Yet, just as she did, one must come to a point of realization that the act of harbouring unforgivenss weighs one down. Though you may feel your story is propelling you forward, the weight remains. The weight remains. Imagine how tired you would be if you walked 10 steps with a 40 lb weight. Now image walking a mile with that same weight. Though you are farther, and perhaps closer to where you want to be, you are more tired and pained than before. That's not a life worth living. Free yourself from your prison. Release the pain. Release your story's grip on your life and hold fast to forgiveness. I'm rooting for you.
