Through the Speaker: Jonathan McReynolds "Lovin Me"

Although I fall short often...

Although I will never be worthy of your grace...

Although I am imperfect...

Although I am a poor representation of you...

Although I was born into sin...

Although I am sinful...

Although I am not worthy of your love...

Although I will never measure up...

You still love me.

Thank you Jesus...for loving even me.

Testimony: Set Free!

A little over two years ago I was in an abusive relationship. No one knew. Not my sister, not my twin brother, not my best friends or even my housemates. I did the best I could to tell the world by hiding it in my poetry. Still, people only formulated assumptions and never asked or showed concern. I won't go into details about what happened. When I do fully outline the details it will be among a large group of women united by our stories, yet strangers to each other (that's my vision). If you do want the stylized, yet true, version of the story see my spoken word piece "It's Okay".

Everyone thinks all you have to do is walk away from an abusive relationship to be out of harm's way, but truly that is when the hard work starts. I had flashbacks: flashes of being kicked, flashes of his angry face. I battled with guilt, insecurities, loneliness, anxiety and trust issues. I had random panic attacks and chest pains...months and even a full year afterwards. I massacred relationships with men who cared about me because I just couldn't relax. Today I feel completely healed. I no longer have the anger or the flashbacks. I am no longer resentful. I no longer cringe at the thought of a man touching me. I no longer have more walls than China. I'm free.

As I was watching Kia's video I saw all of the pain in her face and heard so much of it in her voice. My heart broke for her because I know she still battles, as I did. Expression is one of the biggest steps toward full healing. Sharing your message and being a beacon of hope truly helps one to mend. Let us pray for Kia and for all women who didn't know they were worth it...like I didn't know I was worth it. I remember being afraid that he would kill me and ruin his life...instead of being fearful he would end mine. That is how warped the Devil can have our minds and how trapped within ourselves we can be.

Ladies, none of you - no matter how mouthy, impulsive or reactive you are - should be getting punched, slapped or hit. Each of you is worth far more than rubies (and might I add rubies are very, very precious stones up there in value with diamonds). You are beautiful, valuable and loved!

Once I felt the love of God...Oh Wow. Once I felt God's love I knew, I just knew, that I could never allow another man to mistreat me. During the course of these past 5 months alone God has spoiled me, provided for me and surprised me in so many ways. He has truly set a standard of how I should be treated and I shall never again settle for any less.

Today I am proud to say I have no hate towards the person I was with. I have only love towards him and can even smile, genuinely, when I see him because of the amazing way God has worked in me. I mean it's stunning. However frowned upon it is, I can have an actual friendship with this individual (even if it's minimal) because of the love, grace and mercy of God that I have received and want to give back.

My whole life is a testimony of the beauty of giving your life to Christ. I'm whole. I'm protected. I'm happy. I'm freed. Whew!

Taken October 28th, 2013.
All I feel is joy.

Psalm 126:5 (NIV): "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

Psalm 30:5b (NIV): "...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

#ThisIsMyFace Adult Acne Journey

Hello Beauties,

If you've read through my old blog posts you'll see that I have been suffering from sudden breakouts all along my cheek and chin area. Unsurprisingly, the flareups began when I discontinued birth control and was under stress from a breakup while not eating regularly (for two weeks I think I only ate hazel nuts and Oreos - due to budget constraints only). Some days I would get so mad at God and say, "Lord why was my face clear when I was carnal?! Why do I look like this?!" It especially got hard when other people would notice and ask me about it.

Now I know the face isn't a big deal to most, but I wanted to reflect the glow and happiness I felt on the inside since coming to Christ. I felt like people wouldn't want to be a part of this life if they saw how God allowed your face to go crazy in order to prompt you to give up vanity and find your self image in Him. I mean there are a host of lessons I learned over this 4 month period that maybe I will go into later, but this post is specifically going to give you the steps that helped me. Doctors recommended I go back on birth control but I know my God is toooooo great for me to need chemicals to control my skin.

Face Type: Combination (Oily T-Zone, Dry Cheeks & Forehead)

1. Pray! Pray for God to purify your body, detoxify your liver and truly cleanse you from the inside out. Pray as you wash your face that God will activate the face wash to really do it's job.
2. Meditate on scripture. Yes, I know you may be thinking this has nothing to do with your skin, but it has everything to do with your skin. Meditating on the word calms your anxiety level and we all know stress is a leading cause of acne. There is also a verse that says as believers we can drink poison and not be harmed and I really used this in my prayers because I wasn't sure if environmental irritants or foods were causing the breakouts so I clung to that word and reminded God often. [See Mark 16:17-18]
3. Drink lots of water! I read that you should drink half your body weight in ounces a day. So since I weigh 120 lbs I should be drinking 60 ounces of water/day. I know I wasn't drinking nearly as much water as I should but on the days that I did, I saw a noticeable improvement in my skin.
4. Watch your hair products. When I began breaking out really bad I discontinued my conditioner and was hesitant to put anything in my hair leaving me with a dry, frizzy mess on top of my head. After trail and error I realized my choice of hair products may not be the problem. What wassss the problem was not washing off all of the conditioner residue from my face and body (breakouts on chest, shoulders and back). Now I wash my hair first, bathe my skin and then wash my face in the shower similar to the Acne.org method but without the benzyl peroxide. (2016 Update: I am highly senstive to hear products like Shea Moisture, any heavily perfumed hair product, hair oils, and even oil based hair gels (flax seed oil works fine thus far though).)
5. Watch your make-up. I haven't really worn make-up since this started. And although make-up may not be the issue, it has been good to give my skin time to breath. I now like how I look more without make-up...minus my acne scars of course...and no longer use make-up as a crutch. It's nice...but God made me better (you have to combine sooooo many products just to get the natural glow your skin has). Once my dry skin from the cystic acne is gone I'll try an organic make-up. I took a sample of tarte make-up home from Sephora but I'm not sure if I like it yet.
6. Be mindful of sensitivities. I am sensitive to sun screen so I had to discontinue all products that had SPF. It's beneficial to find out what you are sensitive to and to avoid it.
7. Chew garlic cloves. This one is surprising. I kept asking God to help me clear my face and I'd get these random urges to eat a clove of garlic...which burnnssss. I would do it on the days I didn't have school and would notice changes in my skin, but I thought leaving the house (ie environmental irritants) were making me breakout, not realizing the garlic was helping me not to. I chew a clove on days I don't have class or at around 4:00pm so the smell is gone from my body by the next day (hopefully! just brush your teeth well!!!! and wear some extra perfume just in case). You can google it, but I found out that garlic actually does help with acne especially cystic acne. So walah! an all-natural treatment. It doesn't work for everyone...but that's where prayer can help.
8. Don't forget cleanliness. We've all heard cleanliness is next to godliness and I won't get into all of that but just know it is important. Phone screens carry a lot of bacteria, as do your hands. Wash your hands often. Clean your phones carefully with rubbing alcohol, hand sanitizer or hydrogen peroxide with cotton. Do not touch your face with dirty hands ever! Avoid touching your face period! Switch out your pillow cases once a week.
9. Sleep on your back. I'm not sure if this contributed at all, but I've been trying it just so my face won't rub against the pillow all night so as to limit irritation. By 4 am I'm on my face lol but I still want to add it in because it may be helping a little.
10. Sleep in sleeved shirts. I know this may sound weird, but we are talking about what has been working for me. I loveee body butters and oils (all natural shea butter, cocoa butter, coconut oil, etc) but my face does not. I can't even use Moroccan and Argan oils in my hair because my face seems to hate all oils. (I have not tried Almond Oil yet so maybe there is hope!) I tend to sleep with my hand on my face and somehow end up rubbing the oils and butters onto my face only to wake up to...acne (yayyy! -_-) Either don't put butters and oils on your arms and shoulders at night or sleep in long sleeved shirts. If you notice a difference, thank me. If not...we'll keep experimenting and trusting God.

Well, these are the methods that have been helping me thus far. My skin has a good ways to go, but the breakouts are now controlled. I just have scarring to get rid of, which I'm sure will happen in time. I thank God for this journey! I mean yes I was upset and insecure at points, but I gained a different type of confidence. I can also now empathize with persons who suffer from breakouts and pray for them as I see them. My wish is that everyone grows to see how beautiful they are naturally...even with scars. Your beauty is in Christ. After my angry phase I told God that He was in control of my beauty. That was honestly the best decision I have ever made. It's wonderful to see myself as He sees me. 

All the best to you ladies. I pray you come to realize just how beautiful you are. I pray also that these steps help you. I'm no expert. I just share my stories as I'm going through.

Love always,

Zemi

RunDriveSwim Cowards

You won't remember the conversation

And she won't remember the revelation

You'll be in your car nodding to the vibrations

She'll be on her bed letting the pain sink in

Every three and half minutes

Your mind changes and the song switches

Your heart goes to your toes and you push down

The wind blows through your hair

And keeps your eyes dry

Drive

Drive to the other end of a small island

Drive far away from the heart that you've broken

Drive away from the pain

And go into the water

Swim

Swim good

You're free as she stains pages

And imprisons her kindness in cages

Eventually she flees from the pain

And stops herself from going insane

As her soul drives away in a Prelude

November 13, 2011

Word: Kia Granberry - "Removal of the Mask"

Dear Beauties,

I just happened to stumble across this message and midway through I realized it was delivered a year ago on this very day. This message brought me to tears. I have so many masks and I desperately want to remove them all.

Join me ladies. Take off your mask, today.

Love always,

Zemi

Let Us Meet In the Garden (To My Future Husband)

Did God leave a scar when 

He formed me from your ribs?
A thin line I can trace along your side 

And know that God touched you?
When we meet I will kiss that scar
Manipulating serpents, shame and deceit
Will be mere memories
We'll go back to the garden
And be naked in Eden
Married under God's smile
Angels shall sing
And you, you shall know me
Bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh
You shall know me
And as we cleave naked under fruit trees
We shall be one

"Guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband."  

(Hebrews 13:4, The Message)

Wait in inner beauty,

Zemi

Through the Speaker: Mirella&Kanto "He Wants It All"

Our Lord is looking for a child who will love Him with an undivided heart. He wants it all today, He wants it all. What will you give Him? The leftovers or the first fruits? The whole harvest or what's left on the threshing floor? 

Meditation Verses:

• Matthew 22: 37-38: Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment.
• Psalm 86: 11: Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
• Ezekiel 11:19: I, [the Lord], will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

Wounds

i pricked my finger
and watched the blood run down
red and warm
stained my clothes
spots on the ground
finger's bleeding
no sensation
just pain in my heart
tears running down
staining my face
staining my clothes
let them dry
one dries black
one dries clear
the unseen pain lingers longer
the undetected pain hurts most

Written: November 17, 2008

Get Your Axe and Cut It Down!

Right now I am battling some heavy issues: seeds that were planted in my past which have developed into a single full grown tree with deeply penetrating, intertwined roots. That is just the figurative way of putting it and already it sounds like work. The reason I ended up in an abusive relationship, with liars, manipulators, etc is because I did not recognize these people were coming to take rest under this growing tree that was within me. I wasn't whole neither was I producing good fruit so the vultures knew just where to sit.

Now that I am walking with God, He wants me to be whole and complete, lacking nothing. He is the one who revealed to me that my problems began far before I lost my virginity. He is the one who showed me what the roots (i.e. root issues) are. Little me can barely pull up weeds sometimes and I'm looking at this monstrous tree thinking, "Lord how do I do this?! I'm too weak. I'm too small. I need your help!" After I was done wallowing in self-pity and pondering on the work I would have to do, I went to God with a spirit ready to work (although still afraid) and said, "Okay Lord how?" He told me that the answer was in His word. 

Sometimes don't you just wanna go, "God are you serious?!" That was me: "Ughhh...okay Lord...in your word? Where in your word? Is that all you've got? Don't you see the size of the tree you're asking me to pull up?  Can't you see my little arms?! Ughhhh!" lol So after a full month of trying to pull this tree up: searching the word, asking for prayers, listening to sermons, digging for blogs, trying to curb habits...I came to a point of realization...this isn't working. It can't be this hard. It's not supposed to be this hard!

This past week I saw my old self rearing her ugly head and I went into panic mode. I really want to be free! I want to be a true reflection of Jesus Christ! Within days I found an email in my inbox on the subject of worrying from Heather Lindsey, randomly received a guide to moving closer to Christ from my mentor, and stumbled upon a link to a video conference dealing with the issues I was facing. (I'm telling you God wants His children healed and He sends a way!) So now we're at today. I am more determined than ever to be delivered. I'm on a day-long fast, I prayed to my heavenly father and my mindset is: Lets Go!

Since August I've been rereading the New Testament and am currently in Luke. As I was on the bus reading I came to Luke 3:9 (emphasis added): "Even now the axe is laid to the ROOT of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is CUT DOWN and thrown into the fire." About five light bulbs went off in my brain all at once. I've been so focused on pulling this tree up that I completely missed there is a better way: cut it down!

All I have to is cut out these behaviors by pulling out my axe - the word of God. When I'm anxious - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" (Philippians 4:6 NIV). When I'm afraid that love will hurt me - "There is no fear in love but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment..." (1 John 4:18 KJV) When things seem to be going wrong - "...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28 KJV).  When my future seems unsure - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV). When I just can't seem to understand God's plan - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV). I have the axe! And I'm about to cut this bad boy downnnnnn!