The Lucayan Pearl: November 2013

Note: What you are about to read is my recount of the night my mother died. It's taken from a book I was writing in high school. [Initially written: 2004, edits 2007, 2008, 2009, 2013]

A hazy, yellow shadow falls upon the pavement as a lone streetlight desperately tries to illuminate the dark night. Confined within my room, I peer out into the darkness. Just like these desolate streets I am alone as I watch the trees sway in the breeze praying the power comes on before I have an anxiety attack. Loneliness quakes within me as I long for all things familiar. This streetlight is my only friend. While gazing into his blinding eyes I allow my mind to run and watch in awe as words fill my head and tunnel through my nose, ears and eyes. The therapeutic release of the soul has begun.

Emotions. I have yet to understand them. All I know is that they dwell deep inside of me in a place not even the most adept of surgeons can reach. Sadness quells within me as I realize it has been almost eleven years since I lost my mother. A part of me is gone; erased long ago on a cold, dark night just like this one.

I still remember the day He took her away - the day the first tears began to fall. I remember the night before her death and the look in her eyes. Those huge, dark eyes that bore into your soul and made your spine straighten. I hated them once, I long for them now. Many years ago I endured a heartbreak unlike any other - a heartbreak I relive each and every day. I was twelve years old then, and sadly a part of me will always be that heartbroken twelve year old girl. As I stare out of barred windows, hypnotized by the light, I recall the events of the night that lead to her death - the night I died.

The nightmare began on November 24th, 2002. My aunts were hosting a dinner party and wanted my mother, cousin, sister and I to model Androsian outfits for our foreign guests. Aside from my childhood shyness, the fashion show was delayed by my unusual, unexplainable fatigue. I was overcome by an inescapable state of sleepiness, as if someone was trying to prevent me from realizing that death was lurking throughout the hallways waiting anxiously to kill and steal all that I loved.

During the course of the night I found myself sleeping on tables, in chairs and, finally, in one of the spare beds. Still, Deanna insisted on waking me up to model. When I told her I was too tired she enlarged her eyes (an act she perfected to convey her annoyance and impending anger) and said, “Do it for me Zemi. Do it for me.” So, with sleep mounted heavily upon me, I did model for my mummy and the guests. In the end I even had a great time doing it, especially as I watched her beautifully full figured body strutting down the makeshift runway with a smile that could bedazzle the blind and a laugh that warmed your heart. She exuded confidence. In fact it was hard to imagine that those broad shoulders and elegant hands carried so much strife, responsibility and pain.

I don’t recall anything that happened after the fashion show. All I know is that I woke up in my own bed around 2 am to the persistent, impassioned knocking of Nurse Scavella, Mummy’s dear friend and colleague. Sluggishly I opened the door and followed the nurse to my parent’s room as she quickly briefed me on the circumstances of her visit. As I entered the room I saw my precious Deanna sitting on the floor breathing loudly with her asthma monitor near by. Still I thought nothing of the event. Mummy frequently had attacks and this one didn’t appear any different so I sat calmly on the bed and held her hand. Her breathing was heavy, but she was calm. Everything appeared normal so I kissed her hand, returned to my room and fell asleep.

The second time someone woke me up there was a clear change in the atmosphere. This time there were no knocks, just the hands of my sister against my back. Shani was extremely frightened because Daddy had woken her up in a panic asking for a pen and she didn’t want to endure the experience alone. As I exited my room I felt the chill from the cold tiles sweep up my legs, closely followed by a piercing fear that made my heart speed up. Nurses were running around with nervous faces - avoiding the children’s eyes at all costs; mummy’s best friend, Italia, was near tears as she rushed around trying to help in any way possible; Daddy was dashing to Mummy’s side and Mummy was screaming: “Lord, oh Lord, I give up!” Yeah, it had gotten worse.

The first time she went unconscious I was calm. That is until Zane started crying and then Shani. I should have held on. I should have had faith. Dear Faith, bring her through. Dear Faith, help life defeat death. Dear Faith, ensure that injustice does not prevail, just this once. Don’t let me be robbed in my nightgown with frizzled hair and no shoes when I have nothing to give but my life. Give her my air. Give her my heart. Give her my will. Give her anything as long as she is here – with us.

Instead, I stood bewildered and silent. Within a matter of seconds, I too broke down. After four hours of turmoil the ambulance finally came and took her to the airport so she could be flown to Nassau and taken to the hospital. A drive that should have taken half an hour took two. The plane that should have been on time was late. The medication that should have been there was out of stock. Even the doctor that should have been there – wasn’t. Death had been planning this for weeks.

She regained consciousness briefly as they rushed her into the ambulance, but I could see mountain of pain in her eyes. I saw her silently pleading for an escape. From deep within those dark eyes I heard her screaming for Him to take her to the son who had left her so many years before. She didn’t want Shani, Zane or Zemi. All she wanted was her Donovan because with him there was no pain. There was no gasping and constricting and aching, but there was also no us.

As selfish as it may seem I wasn’t ready to let her go, nor would I ever be. But it wasn’t my choice.

Shani and I couldn’t stay in the house. The suspense was too great. The air was too heavy. So, we got dressed, still teary eyed, and walked to the bus stop an hour early. As soon as we arrived someone from town picked us up and drove us to our Aunts’. I didn’t want to think, so I didn’t allow myself to. Although I knew deep down, I didn’t want my heart to know what my mind knew. I didn’t want to hear it breaking.

When we got out of the car my cousin came down from the house pink and puffy from crying. Shani followed suit. I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t. I don’t remember what I did. I don’t know if I fell, if I screamed or even if I cried, but I do remember Aunty Daisy wrapping her arms around me. Over and over she kept saying, “No more mummy baby, no more.” If I didn’t know anything else, if I never remember another word, I know that at that very moment – I died.

Tears started gushing from my eyes. The pineapples would flourish from my rivers. I caved in; inside and out. In the background I could hear Shani screaming, “Noooo!”

From that moment until I reunited with my Daddy and brother at the airport I was in space. Was she really gone? Outside the sky was so blue and pretty, but my world was black. How could the sun be shining so brightly and my world be so dark?

When we got to the airport and were allowed to go into the ambulance I couldn’t even touch her (which I regret to this day). How could I have abandoned my mother in her time of need? How could I be ashamed to hold the woman I loved so much? She would never have forsaken me. She would have held me in life or death. Why wasn’t I brave? Why wasn’t I her?

Amazingly, she had a smile on her face, which warmed my heart. In spite of all her pain, she still found peace. I guess Donovan and papa Reg picked her up from the airport and took her across that blue sky. At the moment I couldn’t even fathom that idea. I just cried and cried until my tears felt like salt water stinging my pores as they fell down my face. She was gone. Right now I can hear a loud voice in my head screaming, “Not was Zemi, she is gone!”

We flew over the water - the beautiful turquoise water - leaving Eleuthera behind, but not the pain, never the pain. It clung to us for dear life and filled up every conceivable portion of space, pressing hard upon our backs, draining our eyes and stinging our wounds. Mummy was somewhere above us now, somewhere far. I could no longer touch her, hug her or hold her tightly. She would no longer call me into her room and into her bed to rock me to sleep while scratching my back or playing with my tiny curls. No, my mummy was gone.

At twelve I could understand death. I could feel it, hate it, scratch it into walls and see it on my skin, but never wash it away. One word circulates all day, “gone”. That’s all I feel. All I’ll ever feel…is loss.

Looking out of my window onto the dark street, I’m back to reality and the blinding light. It’s been almost seven years since that sad day. At 6:00 am on November 25th, 2002 - exactly a month before Christmas - I lost her. The void created that day has never been filled. I get by knowing that she no longer has to cry out because her windpipe is contracting and no air can pass through; she no longer has to carry the weight of the world and mine. She’s home.

Tears. How many can I cry? How many nights will my face be streaked with tiny rivers?

Tired of reflecting on a pain I can’t carry, I fall heavily upon my bed. The sheets are cool, as is my tear streaked face. The night breeze blankets us both. “Goodnight,” I whisper to my tears, the darkness and my loneliness as the gentle breeze sends a wave of peace to put me to sleep.

I wish the breeze carried her, but as it glides across my skin all I feel are goose bumps.

Rest in Peace Deanna Charmaine Holland

August 23, 1952 - November 25, 2002

Mother, Daughter, Wife, Sister, Friend, Nurse...& My Everything.

Ladies it's about to get personal! Growing up I was never one of those girls who planned her wedding. My best friend and I would always tease and say we wanted a double wedding (she's married now so that dream goes bye-bye haha) and that's about it. Instead, I planned general things: I gave myself an age to be married by (I wish I could find these lists), an age to have my children, etc. You know, regular girl stuff.

Aside from that I planned my education and the entire interior and exterior of my home (keeping in mind of course that my husband has tastes too). When I was in grade 4 - at the tender age of 9 - I knew I was going to St Anne's for grade 7 (did that!), the College of the Bahamas for 2 years (did that!) and to McMaster University in Canada (didn't do that lol but I ended up in Canada all the same). I'm saying all this to say...I'm a planner! I plan everything! And when I can't plan, I'm nervous. (That's a part of why this walk with God takes so much out of me...because I have to trust in someone else's plan, without knowing what the plan is. Scary huh? lol)

Anyway...lately it has been on my heart to plan my wedding. There is a lot of discussion about 2014 vision boards going on now since the year is coming to a close so I decided to do a...you bet ya!...wedding vision board. Let me just throw in there that I am not engaged...but...well, God knows. The only aspect of my wedding I knewwww I wanted to have in years previous was an empty first pew on the bride's side filled with flowers to represent the presence of my mother (who passed away when I was 12) and other mother figures I have lost. Still, what came up out of my heart today was very, very specific.

I am sharing this very personal (yet not so personal) aspect of my life because you need to know it's okay to hope. It's okay to place your desires in God's hands and let Him bring them to pass. It's okay Beautiful to want these things. It's okay to say here God, I know people say I should just want you, but I offer up my deepest, heartfelt desires for you to safeguard. Here is my undivided heart with all of my secret needs, desires and wants hidden inside. Here Lord is my offering.

Ladies I pray that you let go of your heartbreak. I pray you let go of your pain. I pray you open up your heart and accept your healing. I pray you open up yourselves to love again. Please, take your hand off of the pen and let God write your love story.

Let's both wait in inner beauty.

Love always,

Zemi

NB: I created the board in Microsoft Publisher.

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