As I was driving through a family-oriented neighborhood shortly after the breakup, I began to cry. I passed homes and little swing sets and saw my timeline for a family just float away. I literally saw a shift occur in the timeline of my life where the home and family I wanted went a few years away.
I am always told to be patient, that I deserve it all. "Zemi, you're so beautiful and so special. You will get everything you deserve and everything you desire." Well, today, if I can be truthful...hearing that is making me mad.
As I drove home from church today I prayed for my family. I desire a family to worship God with. I have so few people around me who have genuine relationships with God. Imagine if I had a whole house full?! I know it won't be perfect, but to see my children love Jesus would make me beam. To have a husband who loves the Lord and loves me as Christ loves the church would be so amazing. It all sounds so amazing!!!!
I guess what happened today is I got caught up in my desires. It happens often because I'm a planner by nature. I plan things months and years in advance because it brings me comfort. I'm the person who would pack a week in advance of a trip, then repack at least twice. What can I say? That's me.
The beauty of having the Holy Spirit in me is that His comfort is immediate. I know right away that this time shall pass--that I need this period of waiting. I need these periods of fasting from love. Pray with me please...that I may reach full contentment in Christ, and laugh as my timeline floats into the wind.
Lord, you are awesome. You are the maker and craftsman of my soul. I thank you Lord for making me special in your eyes. I thank you that your plan for my life is perfect. I thank you that I cannot nag my way out of any season. Lord, please prevent me from rushing through this time. Please teach me all you feel a daughter needs to know before she is presented to her husband. Lord, continue to prune me, however painful it may be, because through the pruning you are making me flourish and bloom. Thank you for saving me from the darkness that once consumed me. Thank you for sacrificing your Son so that the veil could be torn and so that this amazing relationship I have with you could be possible. Lord, as I wait to enter into submission, as I wait to have a priest enter my home, please instruct me and lead me. Please grant me the gift of patience and contentment. I know days like today shall come often, but may my time spent in sadness be decreased from whole days to hours and ultimately to mere minutes. May I be so fulfilled in you, my future may very well pass me by. Help me to trust you even more deeply than I feel I do now. Lord, please teach me to love you as you love me. May your Holy Spirit not be grieved to live inside of me. May I be pleasing to you.
Always,
Your daughter
Sometimes, even I need a reminder to wait in inner beauty.
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