Today we're about to put the spotlight on my flaws. Over the past year I've developed a dependency on makeup. So much so that I didn't feel pretty or complete without at least tinted moisturizer covering my face. I specifically remember sleeping in makeup for the last two weeks of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend because I wasn't even comfortable with my bed-time and morning face...both of which people normally make allowances for and a state he'd seen me in many times. Why is it that I felt like I had to put a makeup brush on what God had perfectly painted with his brush? The answer is simple: my perception of beauty was thwarted.
If you've been following my story you know that the demise of that relationship catalyzed my full and total commitment to a relationship with Jesus Christ. The last three months have been beautiful and so enriching; however, while I have developed my inner beauty, my outer beauty - in my opinion - seems to have faded. The pinguecula (yellowing and tissue growth) on my right eye has gotten worse and my cheeks have broken out in a way I have never before witnessed. I did my best to remedy the situation with makeup and big hair, an altered diet and face washing routine...all to no avail. It just got worse.
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| Pinguecula in my right eye. |
Imagine me so confused:
"Lord, shouldn't I look beautiful so that people may see your glory on me?Why is my face looking like this? Lord, why did you cause the worst breakout on my cute side? Jesus Christ, please not my cute side!"See the pattern here? It's all so carnal...which is the total opposite of who I'm trying to be. I know that "charm is deceptive and beauty fades" (Proverbs 31:30) yet I became so caught up in vanity...all to boast that God was with me...because I was pretty. *insert side glances here*
Before mediating on all of this, my scientist mind began a series of mental experiments. I slowly observed that wearing makeup made my breakouts worse. Likewise, wearing my hair on my face (with or without hair products) made my cheeks flare up. Reluctantly, I began to wear my hair up and expose the acne. Reluctantly, I went out without makeup (or stayed home lol). I thought that was it, thinking God was saying: "Zemi stop the make-up. You are beautiful to me. You don't need to cover up because I love you just as you are." If only that was it. But seeing as God wants the best for his children, of course he wanted more...he wanted to take this one step further.
Over and over I kept seeing the verse 1 Samuel 16: 7 (emphasis added):
The Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him." The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.Of course upon reading this my carnal-minded self began thinking, "God doesn't want me to date tall and handsome?" *insert second side glance and eye roll* I began praying for God to reveal to me the hearts of the men approaching me. All that's good and great - to get to know people better and pray for discernment - but that wasn't the point. So again and again (three times in fact) I'm seeing this verse. Finally I decided to dig deeper and by dig deeper (in this case) I mean google the verse. I came across an article by Kelli Mahoney which specifically talks about focusing on inner beauty (not weeding out mates!): "God is not going to look at what we wear, how much we weigh, if our acne is cleared up, or if our braces are off...etc. Instead God is going to look more closely at what's in our hearts." She goes on to mention character and specifically notes that "character matters". So here we are (again!) - it's not about my looks, it's about my CHARACTER.
Just to confirm that this is the message God was sending I read the second Google-recommended article by The Christian Network. That's when things really became clear. The article specifically highlighted 1 Peter 3: 3-4 (emphasis added):
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and in the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.Okay so nowwww it's clear as day! *insert "duhhhh" and head shake* My focus has been on vanity, carnality and fleeting beauty - things that don't matter at all to God. I don't know how many times he has to tell me "character, character, character!!" for me to get it, but I promise I do now. No, makeup, beautiful hairstyles, accessories and great fashion sense are not wrong, what is wrong is focusing so much on them that we (you and I) forget about and neglect what truly matters to our King.
So what was my next step? You got it...I needed more knowledge so I went to my Bible, dug up these verses and their context, and then went back to Google. I found a great article on 1 Peter 3: 3-4 entitled "Do I Have a Quiet and Gentle Spirit?" You can find the article here. The writer, Erin Davis, notes:
Physical charm, physical beauty - those things are an illusion. They're fleeting. They're momentary. They can lure, but they can't last. The thing that lasts is a relationship with God.Relationship - that is what matters - relationship. Not how I look in the mirror or how men and judging women perceive me, but my relationship with my Savior; the one who saved me from the pit of pain, frustration and desperation I was in just a few short months ago. Instead of applying makeup and fluffing my hair to amazing heights I should instead focus on cultivating more Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, faithfulness, gentleness, peacefulness, patience, kindness & self-control (Galatians 5: 22-23). I need to walk in the way of righteousness, not turning to the left or to the right, while most importantly walking in humility. Davis further outlines what must be done to display a "gentle and quiet spirit":
- fruit of Character of Christ formed in us
- fruit of our being a blessing to others because Christ is in us
- fruit of children, natural children
Lord please renew my spirit and transform my mind. Replace all of my perceptions of beauty and attractiveness with your definitions. Mold and shape me dear Lord. Make me worthy to wear your royal robes, to work and serve you in your royal courts my King. Present me pure and whole, without spot or wrinkle so that my very life may glorify your holy name. Create in me a pure heart. Cultivate within me the fruit of your spirit O God. Teach me your way that I may not depart from it. Teach me how to live out the values of Christ, not just in word but in deed. Lord I declare that I am gentle, I am kind, I am loving, I am peaceful, I am patient, I am joyful, I am faithful and I do have self-control. O how I need you Lord. I am nothing, absolutely nothing, without you. Thank you for saving me and for taking time out to perfect me and make me better. I love you Lord God and shall forever praise your holy name. May you reign forever. May your kingdom expand throughout the earth. May you, Lord, be worshiped in spirit and in truth now and for evermore. Amen.
My sisters, learn from my journey with the Lord. This walk isn't about what you can get; it's about who you can be. The "Prosperity God" you may have been taught about in church is a facade, the true God is a God of truth. He not only wants to bring you blessings, he wants you to be your best self - even if the growth process is long and painful.
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| Here is my bedtime look. No make-up w/ head cloth and tired eyes. |
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| A close-up of my right cheek. |
Let's grow together,
Zemi Regine.
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