I Gave It to the Pages

The concept for I Gave It to the Pages originally came about because my poetry style was changing (or as some may say, maturing) and I wanted to preserve the poems of my youth. When my mother died of an asthma attack I was twelve years old. That event rocked my world and left me surrounded by people, yet alone. I found myself having to make many decisions for myself. I chose to maintain my purity throughout high school. I chose to write instead of drinking, partying, smoking or cutting the pain away. I chose release. I chose to accept God's peace and to give every emotion to the pages.

The point I am making here is although I began I Gave It to the Pages for myself and my future children, it became something beyond me. I Gave It to the Pages is a time capsule that captures a little girl navigating her way through womanhood. I was heartbroken many times. I made many poor decisions. One of those decisions led me to an abusive relationship, and surprisingly my words helped lead me out. "Black Bird Pie", "Girl on the Bus", "Good Morning", "Expectations", "Tears Dry", and finally "It's Okay" were all written during that time. Performing "It's Okay" on Youtube and at spoken word events actually helped to heal me. The piece was originally written for spoken word only and almost did not make the book, but because of its message and potential to evoke change, I quickly changed my mind.

Still, many hold the idea that I Gave It to the Pages is all sad. Yes, I lost my mother. And yes I wrote about it. Yes, I was heartbroken. And yes I wrote about it. But I have also had many beautiful experiences that I conveyed in this book. There are playful pieces like "Art" and "His Girl". "Butterfly Rising" and "Just A Wish" are also favorites of mine. Actually, "Butterfly Rising" and "Used To" are verses from songs I wrote. (Believe me, if I could sing I would sing them for you.)

Then, there are pieces I wrote when I was angry such as "Modern Day Pauper" and "Big Belly Girl". In 2010, two of my friends became pregnant. I was bombarded with remarks like, "Zemi, is it true that [so and so] big up?!" I was repulsed by many of the things I heard and felt I had to write about it. Those young women have inspired me more than they will ever know because of their strength to carry life, when so many in their position choose to abort. They were brave, fearless and are today possessors of degrees and wedding rings.

I Gave It to the Pages also weaves in and out of my childhood in "Eleuthera" and "Delonix Regia: The Flame Tree". Any child who "grew up island" will definitely have a flashback or two reading the latter.

Although I crafted the project for young women, I feel that there is something in the book for everyone. Most men will appreciate pieces like " Smoke & Ashes", "RunDriveSwim Cowards", "Wise Men Are Proactive", and  "Overstanding".

I do admit that for a long time I was afraid to release this work. Although the project began in 2011, and was practically complete by August 2013, I stalled. I was afraid that no one would read my work, and that those who did would find it terrible. I let fear bind me in a chokehold and let the pages become what Langston Hughes referred to as a "dream deferred". In November, I saw a friend of mine release her autobiography boldly and instantly I defeated my fear. Shortly after I contacted Christina, a young designer I respect immensely, and began to work on the cover design. A week or so after that I asked my cousin Wendy, a published author based in Virginia, if she would write the foreword. And just like that I had accountability partners. I Gave It to the Pages had to be completed and, just one month later, I am proud to say that this work is done.

This is my first book—comprised of poems I wrote during my highest and lowest moments growing up motherless—and I am so proud. I am proud of myself for overcoming. I am proud of myself for turning my pain into purpose. And I am proud of you for embarking on this journey with me. I am proud of you for supporting an unknown writer. I am proud of you for wishing to heal. I am proud of you for turning your pain into something beautiful…even if you have yet to begin.

This is my first book, but I have many more on the way. Poetry is near and dear to me because it's quick, but I do have desires to write a novel that pieces together my view on grief. I desire to share the lessons I have learned in love and loss for the further healing of others.

Dear Reader, continue to pray with me as I bring my dreams to life. I have officially released I Gave It to the Pages and with this official release I release my younger self. I release my pain, all of my pain. And I pause, here, as I watch each word fly away as a butterfly.

May you make your pain, no matter how dark and deep, beautiful.

Zemi Holland

Nassau, Bahamas

You can find the book on Amazon here.

Soul Food: Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13 NIV

A Year in Review: 2014

I know, I know...I have been extremely quiet this year. As most of you may already know, I left Canada to return to my native Bahamas on January 1st. The decision to leave school during my fourth and final year was one of the hardest, individual decisions I have ever had to make. I prayed about leaving Canada and then followed my peace. Many did not understand my decision, but I completely trusted God and so, in time, others trusted my resolve.

Moving back home has been great. I do feel that this is where I belong at this point in my life. By February I was employed at an offshore bank as a Junior Portfolio Manager. By March, my twin brother and I were living on our own. By April I had a car (that I fully paid off by June). And on May 28th, my 24th birthday, I met my boyfriend in person for the first time. Yes, it's been a crazy year! And that's just the first half! 

My birthday trip to Houston, TX to meet Josh. 

Josh and I met on Instagram on August 6th, 2013. Instantly, we both knew there was something special about the other person and the rest is history. I won't go into detail about us here, but there is a testimony embedded in our relationship that is worth sharing.

God has blessed me with so many opportunities and I couldn't be more thankful. I am doing courses at UWaterloo online. This works great because I am so much happier, which means I perform much better. I also had a deep desire to teach. And guess what? I do! I tutor Math 5-6 days a week across many ages, grade levels and backgrounds. The experience has been so rewarding for me and I have learned so much about approaches to math and math education.

At Grandma's funeral in Devon, England.

There were also some low points this year. In July my grandmother was hit by a cyclist while walking with her sister in the Exeter city center. She hit her head when she fell and passed away a few hours later. It was very sudden and traumatic for us...especially being all the way in the Bahamas and having to gather and glean information. My father was scheduled for his annual visit to England the very next day, which was very sad for him as she died the day before his visit. Last summer we all visited England as a family for the first time since 1997. It was wonderful to spend time with my grandmother, aunt, uncle, great-aunt and cousin. Last year's experience, however, made going to England to bury our grandmother that much harder. We passed many of the same places and did many of the same things...this time without her.

Also, two weeks after being employed at my job, we were alerted that our bank would be closing and that many of the current positions would be made redundant. Although I was fortunate to not be sent home immediately, I was one of the persons whose job was made redundant and given notice that my last day as an employee would be December 31st, 2014. Although the past few months have been filled with many goodbyes, I have secured some lasting relationships and I am extremely thankful to have had this opportunity.

Finally, the most joyous moment of the latter part of 2014 has been the release of my first book "I Gave It to the Pages". #ThePages is a project I have been working on since 2011. It started out because I realized my poetry style was changing and wanted to preserve the poems from my youth. Those poems truly encapsulated what I was going through as a young woman after losing my mother. I was doing my best to navigate through life and relationships on my own, which often left me heartbroken. Still, instead of partying, drinking, smoking or cutting...I wrote. I gave all of my emotions to the pages. I released every hurt through my fingers. Over time, I realized that my words were helping others so I couldn't bind the poems just for myself and future children. They had to be shared. 

The journey to publishing #ThePages was not easy. At one point I became afraid that no one would read my work or that anyone who did would think it was terrible. Once I overcame that fear I worked tirelessly to get the book complete. I found an amazing artist I respected to design the cover and asked my cousin, a published author, to write the foreword and that was that. If you would like to learn more about the project and/or purchase a copy, you can find it on Amazon here. "I Gave It to the Pages" is also available on Kindle here. 

2014 has been a year of purpose for me--a year of trusting God with every area of my life and of walking in that trust. Although 2 Corinthians 5:7 has been one of my favorite scriptures since I was 14, this is the first year I can truly say that I walked by faith--in complete trust of God--and not by sight. You cannot force God's hand. Trust me, I have tried. You can only trust.

I look forward to what 2015 has to offer. The Lord knows the desires of my heart. They are fewer now than they have ever been. I don't know what the year will bring, but I will endeavor to trust God with each day of the upcoming 365. 

To you beauties who have missed my posts, I promise to be more vocal. Blogging holds a special place in my heart and so I promise to be more present. 

May you be encouraged in your season of waiting. May you be steady in fulfilling your purpose. May you not wait in boredom, but eagerly pursue the kingdom of God.

I leave you with this quote:

"This is the era of Dream Catchers. The time for Dream Chasers is done."

-Zemi Holland