I Gave It to the Pages

The concept for I Gave It to the Pages originally came about because my poetry style was changing (or as some may say, maturing) and I wanted to preserve the poems of my youth. When my mother died of an asthma attack I was twelve years old. That event rocked my world and left me surrounded by people, yet alone. I found myself having to make many decisions for myself. I chose to maintain my purity throughout high school. I chose to write instead of drinking, partying, smoking or cutting the pain away. I chose release. I chose to accept God's peace and to give every emotion to the pages.

The point I am making here is although I began I Gave It to the Pages for myself and my future children, it became something beyond me. I Gave It to the Pages is a time capsule that captures a little girl navigating her way through womanhood. I was heartbroken many times. I made many poor decisions. One of those decisions led me to an abusive relationship, and surprisingly my words helped lead me out. "Black Bird Pie", "Girl on the Bus", "Good Morning", "Expectations", "Tears Dry", and finally "It's Okay" were all written during that time. Performing "It's Okay" on Youtube and at spoken word events actually helped to heal me. The piece was originally written for spoken word only and almost did not make the book, but because of its message and potential to evoke change, I quickly changed my mind.

Still, many hold the idea that I Gave It to the Pages is all sad. Yes, I lost my mother. And yes I wrote about it. Yes, I was heartbroken. And yes I wrote about it. But I have also had many beautiful experiences that I conveyed in this book. There are playful pieces like "Art" and "His Girl". "Butterfly Rising" and "Just A Wish" are also favorites of mine. Actually, "Butterfly Rising" and "Used To" are verses from songs I wrote. (Believe me, if I could sing I would sing them for you.)

Then, there are pieces I wrote when I was angry such as "Modern Day Pauper" and "Big Belly Girl". In 2010, two of my friends became pregnant. I was bombarded with remarks like, "Zemi, is it true that [so and so] big up?!" I was repulsed by many of the things I heard and felt I had to write about it. Those young women have inspired me more than they will ever know because of their strength to carry life, when so many in their position choose to abort. They were brave, fearless and are today possessors of degrees and wedding rings.

I Gave It to the Pages also weaves in and out of my childhood in "Eleuthera" and "Delonix Regia: The Flame Tree". Any child who "grew up island" will definitely have a flashback or two reading the latter.

Although I crafted the project for young women, I feel that there is something in the book for everyone. Most men will appreciate pieces like " Smoke & Ashes", "RunDriveSwim Cowards", "Wise Men Are Proactive", and  "Overstanding".

I do admit that for a long time I was afraid to release this work. Although the project began in 2011, and was practically complete by August 2013, I stalled. I was afraid that no one would read my work, and that those who did would find it terrible. I let fear bind me in a chokehold and let the pages become what Langston Hughes referred to as a "dream deferred". In November, I saw a friend of mine release her autobiography boldly and instantly I defeated my fear. Shortly after I contacted Christina, a young designer I respect immensely, and began to work on the cover design. A week or so after that I asked my cousin Wendy, a published author based in Virginia, if she would write the foreword. And just like that I had accountability partners. I Gave It to the Pages had to be completed and, just one month later, I am proud to say that this work is done.

This is my first book—comprised of poems I wrote during my highest and lowest moments growing up motherless—and I am so proud. I am proud of myself for overcoming. I am proud of myself for turning my pain into purpose. And I am proud of you for embarking on this journey with me. I am proud of you for supporting an unknown writer. I am proud of you for wishing to heal. I am proud of you for turning your pain into something beautiful…even if you have yet to begin.

This is my first book, but I have many more on the way. Poetry is near and dear to me because it's quick, but I do have desires to write a novel that pieces together my view on grief. I desire to share the lessons I have learned in love and loss for the further healing of others.

Dear Reader, continue to pray with me as I bring my dreams to life. I have officially released I Gave It to the Pages and with this official release I release my younger self. I release my pain, all of my pain. And I pause, here, as I watch each word fly away as a butterfly.

May you make your pain, no matter how dark and deep, beautiful.

Zemi Holland

Nassau, Bahamas

You can find the book on Amazon here.