On January 29th, 2013 I walked head first into a relationship with a young man I used to study with on campus, but really, barely knew. I knew how he looked. I knew his walk. I knew his voice. I knew his birthday and his hometown. I knew he posted scriptures on Twitter, played for the varsity basketball team, was tall and handsome, a little bit of a flirt and a new student at my university. Beyond that...I actually knew nothing.
Did I counsel with God before walking into this relationship? No.
Had I cleared my head space, phone and life of randoms? No.
Had I dealt with my trust issues? No.
Had I dealt with my temper? No.
Did God say it was time? No.
Were we dating with purpose? No.
I look at the answers to the above questions and aside from seeing a sequence of "No", I see red flag after red flag after red flag.
I have always prided myself on leaving my exs with good memories, but I honestly don't feel I left him with many at all. My insecurities came alive, the arguments were frequent, there was minimal trust and, worst of all, the relationship did not honor God.
Now I sit here thinking...today was supposed to be my anniversary. I don't regret that relationship (or any of my other failed relationships) because I have learned so much about myself and others. God has made me His own and betrothed me to himself, which alone is worth every tear I cried last year.
I admit I have tried to rush this season of singleness. I have tried to manipulate situations for my benefit...all to no avail. None of my plans succeeded. Proverbs 19:21 states, "Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Was rushing and nagging my way out of my single season a part of God's purpose? Clearly not.
I've come to a place now where I see the benefit of being alone. I don't spend any time locked in the arms of a man so entranced by his good looks that I forget my sense of self. I'm not so overly consumed with another that I neglect myself, my friends or my walk with God. I am satisfied and single; content just where I am.
Today may have been the anniversary I was looking forward to last year, but it was not a part of the story God is writing for me. Ever since the day God called me back to Him I realized I must stop struggling with the pen. There is nothing that can be done to expedite the process. There are no shortcuts. There is just God leading, guiding, writing, keeping, loving, nurturing, healing, directing and securing. So then really - why struggle? Why stand over His shoulder watching for every new word He writes? Why try to add my own plot twists and endings when He is such a creative, sovereign, all knowing, wise and loving God? I have therefore entrusted Him, the author of the universe, to write my love story. He can take all of my pens and all of my diaries. He can take my keyboard and memo pad. I'm laying them all down. I'm putting down my beautiful fountain pen. I'm erasing all deadlines and expectations and allowing Him, my King, to write freely.
Wait with me in inner beauty,
Zemi
Keep writing. This was beautiful.
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