I Gave It to the Pages

The concept for I Gave It to the Pages originally came about because my poetry style was changing (or as some may say, maturing) and I wanted to preserve the poems of my youth. When my mother died of an asthma attack I was twelve years old. That event rocked my world and left me surrounded by people, yet alone. I found myself having to make many decisions for myself. I chose to maintain my purity throughout high school. I chose to write instead of drinking, partying, smoking or cutting the pain away. I chose release. I chose to accept God's peace and to give every emotion to the pages.

The point I am making here is although I began I Gave It to the Pages for myself and my future children, it became something beyond me. I Gave It to the Pages is a time capsule that captures a little girl navigating her way through womanhood. I was heartbroken many times. I made many poor decisions. One of those decisions led me to an abusive relationship, and surprisingly my words helped lead me out. "Black Bird Pie", "Girl on the Bus", "Good Morning", "Expectations", "Tears Dry", and finally "It's Okay" were all written during that time. Performing "It's Okay" on Youtube and at spoken word events actually helped to heal me. The piece was originally written for spoken word only and almost did not make the book, but because of its message and potential to evoke change, I quickly changed my mind.

Still, many hold the idea that I Gave It to the Pages is all sad. Yes, I lost my mother. And yes I wrote about it. Yes, I was heartbroken. And yes I wrote about it. But I have also had many beautiful experiences that I conveyed in this book. There are playful pieces like "Art" and "His Girl". "Butterfly Rising" and "Just A Wish" are also favorites of mine. Actually, "Butterfly Rising" and "Used To" are verses from songs I wrote. (Believe me, if I could sing I would sing them for you.)

Then, there are pieces I wrote when I was angry such as "Modern Day Pauper" and "Big Belly Girl". In 2010, two of my friends became pregnant. I was bombarded with remarks like, "Zemi, is it true that [so and so] big up?!" I was repulsed by many of the things I heard and felt I had to write about it. Those young women have inspired me more than they will ever know because of their strength to carry life, when so many in their position choose to abort. They were brave, fearless and are today possessors of degrees and wedding rings.

I Gave It to the Pages also weaves in and out of my childhood in "Eleuthera" and "Delonix Regia: The Flame Tree". Any child who "grew up island" will definitely have a flashback or two reading the latter.

Although I crafted the project for young women, I feel that there is something in the book for everyone. Most men will appreciate pieces like " Smoke & Ashes", "RunDriveSwim Cowards", "Wise Men Are Proactive", and  "Overstanding".

I do admit that for a long time I was afraid to release this work. Although the project began in 2011, and was practically complete by August 2013, I stalled. I was afraid that no one would read my work, and that those who did would find it terrible. I let fear bind me in a chokehold and let the pages become what Langston Hughes referred to as a "dream deferred". In November, I saw a friend of mine release her autobiography boldly and instantly I defeated my fear. Shortly after I contacted Christina, a young designer I respect immensely, and began to work on the cover design. A week or so after that I asked my cousin Wendy, a published author based in Virginia, if she would write the foreword. And just like that I had accountability partners. I Gave It to the Pages had to be completed and, just one month later, I am proud to say that this work is done.

This is my first book—comprised of poems I wrote during my highest and lowest moments growing up motherless—and I am so proud. I am proud of myself for overcoming. I am proud of myself for turning my pain into purpose. And I am proud of you for embarking on this journey with me. I am proud of you for supporting an unknown writer. I am proud of you for wishing to heal. I am proud of you for turning your pain into something beautiful…even if you have yet to begin.

This is my first book, but I have many more on the way. Poetry is near and dear to me because it's quick, but I do have desires to write a novel that pieces together my view on grief. I desire to share the lessons I have learned in love and loss for the further healing of others.

Dear Reader, continue to pray with me as I bring my dreams to life. I have officially released I Gave It to the Pages and with this official release I release my younger self. I release my pain, all of my pain. And I pause, here, as I watch each word fly away as a butterfly.

May you make your pain, no matter how dark and deep, beautiful.

Zemi Holland

Nassau, Bahamas

You can find the book on Amazon here.

Soul Food: Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13 NIV

A Year in Review: 2014

I know, I know...I have been extremely quiet this year. As most of you may already know, I left Canada to return to my native Bahamas on January 1st. The decision to leave school during my fourth and final year was one of the hardest, individual decisions I have ever had to make. I prayed about leaving Canada and then followed my peace. Many did not understand my decision, but I completely trusted God and so, in time, others trusted my resolve.

Moving back home has been great. I do feel that this is where I belong at this point in my life. By February I was employed at an offshore bank as a Junior Portfolio Manager. By March, my twin brother and I were living on our own. By April I had a car (that I fully paid off by June). And on May 28th, my 24th birthday, I met my boyfriend in person for the first time. Yes, it's been a crazy year! And that's just the first half! 

My birthday trip to Houston, TX to meet Josh. 

Josh and I met on Instagram on August 6th, 2013. Instantly, we both knew there was something special about the other person and the rest is history. I won't go into detail about us here, but there is a testimony embedded in our relationship that is worth sharing.

God has blessed me with so many opportunities and I couldn't be more thankful. I am doing courses at UWaterloo online. This works great because I am so much happier, which means I perform much better. I also had a deep desire to teach. And guess what? I do! I tutor Math 5-6 days a week across many ages, grade levels and backgrounds. The experience has been so rewarding for me and I have learned so much about approaches to math and math education.

At Grandma's funeral in Devon, England.

There were also some low points this year. In July my grandmother was hit by a cyclist while walking with her sister in the Exeter city center. She hit her head when she fell and passed away a few hours later. It was very sudden and traumatic for us...especially being all the way in the Bahamas and having to gather and glean information. My father was scheduled for his annual visit to England the very next day, which was very sad for him as she died the day before his visit. Last summer we all visited England as a family for the first time since 1997. It was wonderful to spend time with my grandmother, aunt, uncle, great-aunt and cousin. Last year's experience, however, made going to England to bury our grandmother that much harder. We passed many of the same places and did many of the same things...this time without her.

Also, two weeks after being employed at my job, we were alerted that our bank would be closing and that many of the current positions would be made redundant. Although I was fortunate to not be sent home immediately, I was one of the persons whose job was made redundant and given notice that my last day as an employee would be December 31st, 2014. Although the past few months have been filled with many goodbyes, I have secured some lasting relationships and I am extremely thankful to have had this opportunity.

Finally, the most joyous moment of the latter part of 2014 has been the release of my first book "I Gave It to the Pages". #ThePages is a project I have been working on since 2011. It started out because I realized my poetry style was changing and wanted to preserve the poems from my youth. Those poems truly encapsulated what I was going through as a young woman after losing my mother. I was doing my best to navigate through life and relationships on my own, which often left me heartbroken. Still, instead of partying, drinking, smoking or cutting...I wrote. I gave all of my emotions to the pages. I released every hurt through my fingers. Over time, I realized that my words were helping others so I couldn't bind the poems just for myself and future children. They had to be shared. 

The journey to publishing #ThePages was not easy. At one point I became afraid that no one would read my work or that anyone who did would think it was terrible. Once I overcame that fear I worked tirelessly to get the book complete. I found an amazing artist I respected to design the cover and asked my cousin, a published author, to write the foreword and that was that. If you would like to learn more about the project and/or purchase a copy, you can find it on Amazon here. "I Gave It to the Pages" is also available on Kindle here. 

2014 has been a year of purpose for me--a year of trusting God with every area of my life and of walking in that trust. Although 2 Corinthians 5:7 has been one of my favorite scriptures since I was 14, this is the first year I can truly say that I walked by faith--in complete trust of God--and not by sight. You cannot force God's hand. Trust me, I have tried. You can only trust.

I look forward to what 2015 has to offer. The Lord knows the desires of my heart. They are fewer now than they have ever been. I don't know what the year will bring, but I will endeavor to trust God with each day of the upcoming 365. 

To you beauties who have missed my posts, I promise to be more vocal. Blogging holds a special place in my heart and so I promise to be more present. 

May you be encouraged in your season of waiting. May you be steady in fulfilling your purpose. May you not wait in boredom, but eagerly pursue the kingdom of God.

I leave you with this quote:

"This is the era of Dream Catchers. The time for Dream Chasers is done."

-Zemi Holland

The Jail Experience

After years of Sunday school and bible study, we probably know all too well the story of Joseph and his imprisonment (Genesis 39-41). We can easily imagine how he felt being locked up without just cause, wasting away the best years of his life in a prison cell. But beyond that, not only was Joseph's physical body imprisoned, so were his potential, hopes, and prospects. Everything he hoped for was locked up in a cell...as he was. The only aspects of his life that transcended that cell were his impact on others (interpretation of dreams, work ethic noticed by warden, etc) and his faith.

Joseph had a mighty faith and an optimistic attitude. He knew he would not be in jail forever. He knew his purpose was beyond those dirty, dingy walls. And guess what? He was right.

You may find yourself going through a "jail experience": a time where you feel you are too smart and capable to be where you are in life. You may feel like your potential is imprisoned behind social acceptance and family expectations. Like you can't do anything but wait for the doors to be unlocked.

Still, that is only partially true. While behind those mental, emotional or even physical bars you are able to do something: you are able to prepare your skills and talents (as Joseph did) for your true purpose. 

You can contribute to a purpose beyond yourself while waiting for your purpose to be envisioned. You can, like Joseph, play a major role in the emancipation of others who are "imprisoned" by being a beacon of hope and optimism and by using your talents to help and engage others.

You can work on your temper, your attitude, your body, your mind. You can increase your skill set, expand your knowledge base, potential and network. The possibilities really are endless...even behind "bars".

We all have opportunities to be depressed: to throw one-person pity parties and drown in our sorrows. But really what does that do? As soon as you're done feeling sorry for yourself you still have to work to get things in order...so why not skip the hours wasted in woe and begin the process of bettering yourself and your circumstances now? Yes, I know it is easier than it looks...but isn't everything? 

I know you can feel in your heart that you are better than this. And my dear, as God's child, you are. God will never leave you nor forsake you no matter how deep and dark that dungeon may appear to be. Therefore, let's all take a page out of Joseph's book and use our imprisonment to work on our purpose. Yes, use your imprisonment to work on your purpose. Your reputation may be in shambles. Your life may be in shambles. But your God is bigger than any obstacle you face! 

Today be a Joseph: don't waste your jail experience. Keep the spirit of God alive in you and walk in faith. Your circumstances, like Joseph's, can change in an instant. 

"Then Pharaoh sent and called Joseph, and they brought him HASTILY out of the dungeon: and he shaved himself, and changed his raiment, and came in unto Pharaoh." Genesis 41:14

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you."

Deuteronomy 31:8

Meditation Verses:

• Ephesians 3:20
• Job 14: 7-9
• Psalm 55: 22
• Isaiah 54: 17
• Philippians 4:7
• Psalm 23: 3-4

Putting Down the Pen

Today was supposed to be my anniversary...

On January 29th, 2013 I walked head first into a relationship with a young man I used to study with on campus, but really, barely knew. I knew how he looked. I knew his walk. I knew his voice. I knew his birthday and his hometown. I knew he posted scriptures on Twitter, played for the varsity basketball team, was tall and handsome, a little bit of a flirt and a new student at my university. Beyond that...I actually knew nothing. 

Did I counsel with God before walking into this relationship? No.
Had I cleared my head space, phone and life of randoms? No.
Had I dealt with my trust issues? No.
Had I dealt with my temper? No.
Did God say it was time? No.
Were we dating with purpose? No.

I look at the answers to the above questions and aside from seeing a sequence of "No", I see red flag after red flag after red flag.

I have always prided myself on leaving my exs with good memories, but I honestly don't feel I left him with many at all. My insecurities came alive, the arguments were frequent, there was minimal trust and, worst of all, the relationship did not honor God.

Now I sit here thinking...today was supposed to be my anniversary. I don't regret that relationship (or any of my other failed relationships) because I have learned so much about myself and others. God has made me His own and betrothed me to himself, which alone is worth every tear I cried last year.

I admit I have tried to rush this season of singleness. I have tried to manipulate situations for my benefit...all to no avail. None of my plans succeeded. Proverbs 19:21 states, "Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Was rushing and nagging my way out of my single season a part of God's purpose? Clearly not. 

I've come to a place now where I see the benefit of being alone. I don't spend any time locked in the arms of a man so entranced by his good looks that I forget my sense of self. I'm not so overly consumed with another that I neglect myself, my friends or my walk with God. I am satisfied and single; content just where I am.

In June (when I became single) I asked God for this to be my last season of singleness. I don't want to date aimlessly anymore. I don't want to step outside of God's will. I don't want to stray to the left nor to the right. I only want what God wants me to have. Nothing more, nothing less. And if that means waiting 5 years then so be it. I'm tired of relationship cycles. I'm tired of the love cycle. I'm tired of giving so much of myself that I have nothing left for me. I'm tired of games. I'm just tired. 

Today may have been the anniversary I was looking forward to last year, but it was not a part of the story God is writing for me. Ever since the day God called me back to Him I realized I must stop struggling with the pen. There is nothing that can be done to expedite the process. There are no shortcuts. There is just God leading, guiding, writing, keeping, loving, nurturing, healing, directing and securing. So then really - why struggle? Why stand over His shoulder watching for every new word He writes? Why try to add my own plot twists and endings when He is such a creative, sovereign, all knowing, wise and loving God? I have therefore entrusted Him, the author of the universe, to write my love story. He can take all of my pens and all of my diaries. He can take my keyboard and memo pad. I'm laying them all down. I'm putting down my beautiful fountain pen. I'm erasing all deadlines and expectations and allowing Him, my King, to write freely.

Wait with me in inner beauty,

Zemi

Through the Speaker: Tamela Mann "I Can Only Imagine"

Sometimes I lay on my bed, play this song and just wonder what it would be like to be in the presence of God. To me that is heaven, and to be devoid of him in every form...well, to me that's hell.

13 Must-Read Bible Stories

 

The Bible is filled to the brim with amazing stories of God's love and faithfulness. Even when God is angry and punishing His children we are able to see that it is only out of perfect love that He admonishes. But don't take my word for it - go and see for yourself! I've compiled a list of popular Bible stories and a few of my own favourites. I pray that you be richly blessed as you read the word of God. One second though...before you begin reading, start with this simple prayer:
 
Lord please open my eyes to the hidden truths in your word. Minister to me in a personal way. Transform my heart of stone into a heart of flesh so that the Holy Spirit may be able to mould and shape me. Convict me with your words heavenly father. Speak to my heart and renew my mind. Help me to see You in perfect holiness as I read these passages. Enable me Lord to understand, discern, listen and obey.

1. The Birth of Jesus - Matthew 1: 18-25 & Luke 2: 1-20
There is no way I could let you begin digging into Bible stories without first starting with the birth of our Savior. I mean how dare I skip the most monumental day of our lives!? (Yes it's that serious lol) I encourage you to read the accounts in both Matthew and Luke. Luke also presents a great back story of when Mary, Jesus' mother, was first visited and told she would be with child so be sure to read the whole of Luke chapters 1 & 2 when you get a chance.

2. The Creation Story - Genesis 1 & 2
It takes true faith in God to read the creation story and fully believe that our supreme creator wrought us into being with mere words. Listen to this, "Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters" (Genesis 1: 2 NIV). At this stage of my walk I'm becoming a bit of a God fanatic so that sentence alone is moving me. The spirit of God (Holy Spirit) hovered over the waters of our now home Earth...and God said, "Let there be light." There it began!

3.Ruth & Boaz -Ruth
If you're a woman and have been in the faith for some time you'll begin to notice Christian women say, "I'm looking for my Boaz." You may have even seen the Instagram post: "While waiting for your Boaz don't settle for his cousins: Broke-az, Lying-az..." lol The story of Ruth isn't only about finding a husband. It's about loyalty, reliance upon God, listening to the counsel of your elders, obedience, hard work and the importance of a good reputation...among other things. It's a great read if you want to say I've read at least one full book of the Bible.

4. Esther - Esther
Likewise with Ruth, Esther is a popular story among women. There is so much in this story that I can't get into in this post, but what I get most from the book is how to respond in tricky situations and the importance of good character. Esther didn't act irrationally. She was pensive, fasted, sought God's counsel...and then acted. I have such a hard time controlling my tongue and being less impulsive that I just wish I could model this women. She was both beautiful and intelligent...a great role model for women of today.

5. The Prodigal Son - Luke 15: 11-32
While reading this passage picture yourself as the son who left home and his father as God. When you returned to the Kingdom, God rejoiced. He didn't chastise you. He wasn't disappointed He didn't have a long lecture waiting for you. Instead, He had a huge smile, open arms and a feast. Welcome back to the faith.

6. Elijah & The Prophets of Baal - 1 Kings 18: 1-40
Okay now this story really gets me. Elijah (a prophet) gathers together all the "prophets" of Baal (a pagan god) and pretty much stages a competition called "Who's God Is Real?" I won't spoil it for you, but this is an amazing, amazing passage. It will definitely get you in praise mode like, "Yup! That's my God!"

7. The Choosing of King David - 1 Samuel 16: 1-13
I can't tell you how symbolic this story is in my life, but I will say that if you really pray before reading this God will surely hit you with something. And if not, you can walk away with one simple truth and hold it close to your heart: "...The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16: 7).

8. David & Goliath - 1 Samuel 17
Even if you've never read this story for yourself I'm sure you can give me a pretty good summary. It's a very common story, but I still think it's worth reading it for yourself...or at least knowing which part of the Bible it's from.

9. Jesus Heals A Crippled Woman - Luke 13: 10-13
You can read this passage in under 5 minutes but I encourage you to spend at least an hour thinking about it. Jesus saw this broken woman, called her forward, spoke healing over her...then touched her. I mean yes in the literal this is what He did, but think about your broken heart, your broken spirit...and Jesus saying "Woman, you are set free!"...then immediately you are straightened...everything is right...you are free. Accept Jesus' call so that this can be your reality...then praise!

10. Hosea & His Unfaithful Wife - Hosea 1, 2 & 3
God instructed Hosea, an upstanding man of God, to marry a hoe. It wasn't a Amber Rose - I used to be an exotic dancer and got wifed up - kind of situation or even a Kendra Wilkinson - I used to be a Playboy Bunny but then I found true love and wanted to settle down - kind of situation. It was a "I'm a hoe and I still love being a hoe so I'm going to go on being a hoe whether you put a ring on it or not" type of situation...and God said, "Marry her." Now I know you're wondering..."Why in the world would God do that?" It's simple. God was trying to show how He felt being "married" to Israel (His chosen people). For years they had been unfaithful no matter how great, loving, forgiving and nurturing God was. So why not paint the picture for us humans by sending a man to fall in love with an unfaithful whore. Yes it sounds extreme, but it sure does get the point across.

11. Daniel Thrown Into the Lion's Den - Daniel 6: 16-24
If there is any kind of man I'd love to marry, it would be Daniel. This young man was selected to live in the King's royal court so he had a great job, he consulted God's counsel before making decisions, he was wise, stood up for what was right, wasn't easily influenced anddd he was good looking. I mean what else could you want right?! lol Okay, okay let me get to the point. This story shows just how amazing God is to His faithful children. I mean Daniel is thrown into a pit full of hungry lions and nothing happens. They don't even flinch. They don't go sniff him out or tear off a leg for a taste...they just go on chilling. Flash forward a bit and the bad guys who caused Daniel to be thrown into the pit are themselves thrown into the pit and what happens? They are devoured faster than you can say, "Dig in." All I have to say is who God keeps is well kept.

12. Saul on the Road to Damascus - Acts 9: 1-22
Saul persecuted the early church heavily. I mean he went above and beyond to make sure the early Christians kept their mouths shut. And guess who handpicked him to be used for the development of the very movement he was trying to crush? None other than Jesus Christ himself. Saul was really doing the most and Jesus came right there and spun his whole life upside down to use him for HIS own purposes and good. Amazing right? Read it for yourself.

13. The Crucifixion of Christ - John 18-20, Luke 22-24, Mark 15-16, Matthew 26-28
Jesus' betrayal, trail, death sentence, last moments and resurrection are all here for you to take in. This is very somber reading, but you must remember that what Jesus did was necessary He sacrificed himself as a sin offering so that you could be freed from sin and the law that led to death. Animal sacrifices weren't cutting it. No amount of dead birds, baby cows or goats could atone the many sins of God's people. The laws weren't working, the old covenant proved futile so this is what God did: He sent His son, His own son - the one who was with Him when He created the Earth, the one who sat at His right hand - to dieeeee so that we might have a chance at eternal life. You may be too young in your walk to truly grasp the magnitude of what Jesus really did and how amazing God's plan for our lives really is...but reading these passages is a great start.

Yes I know I've only highlighted 13 stories, but trust me there are so, so many amazing stories in the Bible. And when I say "story" don't think these things are made up. The Bible contains HISTORICAL EVENTS. Jesus was real...and if you don't believe me go watch the Discovery Channel. King David really was a king. Saul really was an evangelist who lived and breathed just as Billy Graham is living and breathing today. These things happened! It's up to you to apply your faith and uncover the mysteries in these passages: the secret messages God hid in the crevices of these sentences just for you.

I pray that you be blessed. I pray that you actually do pick up your Bible and search for these stories. I pray that you grow to love the word of God even moreeee than I do. I pray that God richly blesses you and rewards you greatly for seeking Him. Welcome back to the Kingdom.

Always,

 

 

Zemi

This post was originally featured on afterthealtartv.blogspot.ca.

Through the Speaker: Le'Andria J. - "Sooner or Later"

This song speaks so deep into my life. I feel so stressed trying to face people's expectations boldly. I feel like I've let many people down and nothing pierces my heart more than feeling like I've disappointed someone. I don't know what will come of my life. At times I feel like I'm standing in quicksand while at a crossroads: the longer I take to decide a path, the further into the sand I sink. But I know the promises God made me for 2014. I remember what He said to me and I know no word shall return to Him void. Join me as I place my hand in His. I have no control; therefore, I can only trust Him.

Le'Andria Johnson - "Sooner or Later"

"God's time is not our time. He's got it all under control - you'll be fine."