Character Development: God Don't Like Ugly (UPDATE)

About a week ago I wrote an entry concerning what God had been revealing to me about my character. You can read the full article here. At the time, God had provided me with the first step in beautifying my character:

(1) Cleave to women who are carrying Godly anointing.

Today I'm happy to announce that I have received the second step:

(2) Memorize and meditate upon scripture.

The word needs to be made flesh through our lives. To see real change in our lives we need to truly meditate on God's word. Take time to really savor His goodness. We need to learn of God's ways because we are taught that He is the same now as He was then. To truly have joy we need to be able to trust and rely on God's promises. To do that we need to know what God's promises are and get an idea of His track record in promise keeping and fulfillment. And to do that we need to dig deep into God's word. 

Ladies this is so, so important to our growth. When we begin to memorize and mediate upon God's word we will see chains broken in our lives. I'm getting excited just thinking about it because I really need to learn some verses. I've read the whole New Testament and I'm almost through the Old, but I have yet to truly sit and mediate on the word. Right not I'm just gobbling it all up. And while it is good to have an overview of the entire book, it is even better to do an in depth analysis of each chapter, each paragraph and more so of each line.

Ladies I know that more is to come. God is revealing the way step by step. Let's continue developing Godly character by following these steps: 

1. Form a relationship with Christ. Choose relationship over religion. Dive into God’s word daily. Buy pretty pens that make you want to highlight your Bible. Begin writing in a journal. Pour your heart out to God and cling to Him. Make Him your best friend. Watch and see how quickly He starts talking to you and revealing YOUR STUFF. 
2. Cleave to Godly women. This is listed as Step One above but I would not have known this if it wasn't for my actual relationship with God. 
3. Remove negative influences. Clean up your social media. I spend a lot of time on Twitter and some of the posts are so draining I literally have to put my hand over the white space until I see the name of someone that I know talks sense. It’s just not worth it. Stop watching LHHATL, Basketball Wives and related shows. These shows breed drama and don't set good examples for your life. These days I fill my head with so much positivity that negativity doesn't have a chance to take root and I encourage you to do the same. 
4. Memorize scripture. The scripture comes from the mouth of man, but it is God-breathed. The words of the Bible are God's words. Through reading we learn the ways of God, the love of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit. In addition we are gifted with countless examples of individuals who lived for God, made mistakes along the way, proclaimed the Good News, saw His glory revealed, etc, etc, etc. I know this song is carnal but it's in my head right now in reference to The Word, "I'm about to diveeee in!"
5. Pray. This is a major step. Ask God to crucify your flesh, to give you a heart filled with new desires, to give you a new attitude & new mindset. Ask God to equip you with the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Ask him to show you your flaws & most importantly ask Him to hold your hand as you walk through this process. You’re going to need His comfort because this is a tough road. 

Just in case any of you needed confirmation that this new step is legit look at the message I received within minutes of posting Step Two onto Facebook:

Hope all is well with you! I just saw your status and I found it interesting because it was the topic for my devotional. I attached the link if you wish to read: http://purposedriven.com/blogs/dailyhope/index.html?contentid=13199

It just so happens that on this very day her devotional was entitled "The Value of Memorizing Scripture". Now if that isn't confirmation I don't know what is. Ladies this is real. 

This is my life now. I'm so excited to be walking with God, to have the opportunity to learn more about Him and to be growing daily. I long for each of you to come along with me. Let's be great warriors for Him. Let's bring virtue back! Let's make a gentle and quiet spirit look tun up lol Let's just fall in loveeee...with the greatest love, with LOVE, with God. Here we go ladies. Here we go.

Related Articles:

character calls. by Ashlee Chu

Through the Speaker: Trip Lee - "One Sixteen"

"All I need is One Sixteen to brag on my King." 

Trip Lee ft KB & Andy Mineo - "One Sixteen"

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation
 of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." 
 Romans 1:16

Equally Yoked?

The wooden beam secured around the neck of these two oxen is a yoke. If the yoke is not adjusted properly the weight is unevenly distributed between the two animals. This makes them, as a whole, less effective in carrying loads. For heightened productivity and to lessen the strain placed on a single animal (and hence degeneration of the animal with the heavier load), the two oxen must be EQUALLY yoked. Now do you get it?

Unequally yoked animals: donkey and camel.

Equally yoked oxen carrying load.

Being unequally yoked causes strain and tension.

"Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together." - Deuteronomy 22:10

Like The Ball

You have to promise to treat me like the ball:

To love the way I feel in your hands

To care about me more than the placement of your headband

To protect me from all who try to steal me away

To be ready for me whenever I'm in play

To carefully consider where you pass me

To practice so you learn how to handle me

To adjust your grip when necessary 

To be mindful of the shot clock and the time that you have me

To let me spin, hit the floor and come back to your palm

To keep your eyes on me as you run down the court

To be willing to chase me before I go out of bounds

To realize no one from the other team should be my rebound

To learn all the tricks when you're on the offensive

To remember what you have and what you should be defending

To listen to the coach so you won't go wrong

To pray you get this right so each shot goes in the basket, to limit turnovers and win a championship

You have to treat me like the ball...not the game.

Character Development: God Don't Like Ugly

Are you very detail-oriented and great at critiquing? Do people frequently come to you to brainstorm ideas? Are you skilled at pointing out flaws? Do you often find yourself conjuring up and offering solutions, advice and improvements? These skills are quite beneficial in your professional life, but can be detrimental to your personal relationships if your approach is not adjusted.

I for one have a problem: I am far too critical. I have verbally pounced on people for the things they’ve done, analyzed them and their approaches, offered unsolicited advice to their “problems” and complained my way right out of their good graces. Yes, I have a problem.

Although these traits come in handy when people require my opinion or advice, they have become huge stumbling blocks for me…especially in developing meaningful relationships with the opposite sex (who HATE unsolicited advice and excessive criticism).

A few weeks ago as I was reading Proverbs I felt with great conviction that the following two verses would describe me if I didn’t change:

• "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
• "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."

Since recommitting my life to Christ I’ve been on a joy-filled high. God has blessed me in so many ways and our reunion has been tremendously sweet, but all mature Christians know that that couldn’t go on forever if I was ever to reach new heights in my faith. About five days ago God began revealing flaws in my character. I was totally awestruck. 

All I ever hear from others is “You’re so special”, “You’re beautiful”, “You’re so caring”, etcetera. So when God said my character was UGLY I must admit that it hurt me to my core. Here we are talking about my CHARACTER – not my personality (the way my character traits are presented) or my face (the way I look outwardly) – but my character (that which comprises all that I really am). I was floored. I was disappointed.  I was overwhelmed. I ran back and forth in my mind thinking, “How do I fix this? Where do I begin? This seems like such a huge job!” I just didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered that I’ve gotten where I am today by no work of my own hands and that the same one who got me here would get me where I need to be.

Nothing breaks my heart more than feeling like a disappointment and that’s exactly how I felt. But God is just so amazing. He truly listens to the cries of the brokenhearted (Psalm 34: 18) because within a day not only did He send encouragement, He also revealed to me the first step in character development:

STEP ONE: Cleave to women who are carrying Godly anointing.

Realize that cleaving to Godly women means NOT cleaving to ungodly women. You truly are who you surround yourself with so I encourage you to purge your Facebook list. Clean up your Twitter and Instagram. Follow positive role models, inspirational women, single women with purpose and married women with vision. Surround yourself with more and more and more Godly women. Also, watch who you’re spending a lot of time with. Are they pulling you closer to Christ or are they making you more like them? After doing this wait for the positive influences to (physically) come into your life (if they aren't there already).

While we each await tailor-made-for-me directives from God, here's what we can be done in the meantime to beautify our character:

1. Form a relationship with Christ. Choose relationship over religion. Dive into God’s word daily. Buy pretty pens that make you want to highlight your Bible. Begin writing in a journal. Pour your heart out to God and cling to Him. Make Him your best friend. Watch and see how quickly He starts talking to you and revealing YOUR STUFF.
2. Cleave to Godly women. This is listed as Step One above but I would not have known this if it wasn’t for my actual relationship with God.
3. Remove negative influences. Clean up your social media. I spend a lot of time on Twitter and some of the posts are so draining I literally have to put my hand over the white space until I see the name of someone that I know talks sense. It’s just not worth it. Stop watching LHHATL, Basketball Wives and related shows. These shows breed drama. In the past I would see how some of the girls reacted and would foolishly approach my then boyfriend with a similar attitude or mindset. These days I fill my head with so much positivity that negativity doesn’t have a chance to take root and I encourage you to do the same.
4. Pray. This is a major step. Ask God to crucify your flesh, to give you a heart filled with new desires, to give you a new attitude & new mindset. Ask God to equip you with the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Ask him to show you your flaws & most importantly ask Him to hold your hand as you walk through this process. You’re going to need His comfort because this is a tough road.

It is not too late to begin working on YOU. Ask God to WRECK YOU to BETTER YOU. I am so thankful to be learning this now before I actually am a wife with a home, children and finances to look after. Don’t wait to be labeled as an “ill-tempered” and “quarrelsome” wife before you begin working on YOU. Don’t spend your days watching make-up tutorials and adding to your already stuffed closets in an attempt to be considered "beautiful" because I will tell you from the bottom of my heart that nagging, complaining and critiquing will make you appear UGLY to men regardless of how outwardly pretty you are.

Please join me on this journey. Let us commit to being women of valor: true virtuous women. Let us take-hold of God's hand and trust Him to complete this work in us. I want to be BETTER. Dont' you?

“This Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34: 18

(1) Proverbs 21:9

(2) Proverbs 21:19

Testimony: Waiting On God

On June 19th I officially became a member of the amazing sisterhood that is Pinky Promise,  an organization that encourages women to honor God with their lives and bodies. Stumbling upon Pinky Promise coincided with my decision to fully recommit my life to Christ and I feel so blessed to be a part of this movement. Pinky Promise was founded by Heather Lindsey, a beautiful wife, mother and pastor. To learn more about Heather check out the "About Me" section on her blog (which is amazing!).

Here is Pinky Promise in a nutshell:

 Pinky Promise is a promise to honor God with your body and your life. To refuse to give your body to anyone who hasn't paid the price for you called marriage. It’s a promise to stay pure before God in every single way. It’s a promise that says, "I will not test the boundaries in my relationship to see how far I can push it sexually–but instead–I want God to have my heart."

It’s a promise to God that you will honor your marriage covenant  It’s saying that I promise not to step outside of my marriage, cheat on my spouse and that I will work through every issue.

The sisterhood has blessed my life greatly in part because of all the testimonies being shared. It's a safe space where we relay our life experiences and obtain feedback and encouragement from other members. Words cannot express how much being a part of this group is changing my life.

A few weeks ago I came across this testimony and desperately wished it was shared everywhere - not just among married and celibate believers. Your daughters need to read this! Your sisters need to read this! Women everywhere need to read this! 

The overall message is to wait on God to supply your need for a spouse (boyfriend, fiance'...insert choice word). You don't have to spread you legs to get a man. You don't even have to kiss to keep a man! If you let God direct your paths he will send your Adam, your Job, your David, your Joseph (or whatever combination you so desire) to you.

If you're read my previous blog entries "Am I In the Wrong Fairy Tale?" and "A Woman's Journey to Contentment" you'll know one of my underlying messages is to "Wait in inner beauty." So wait my dear, just wait.

Be blessed,

Zemi

Testimony by Deborah A. Olawale

Hello ladies! 

God has been pressing on my heart for the past few weeks now to share my testimony about how He brought me my future husband who is now my fiancé. He's been convicting me about sitting on the testimonies that He has birthed through me and not sharing it more..... I know and God has confirmed in my spirit that many women struggle with knowing how God is gonna show them who their husband is and how He will bring the person along. Many of us have ideas and perceptions of what we think we need to do to bring the person along. But I wanna tell you from experience that all you need to do is "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33). As you run after God with all your heart, focusing on Him and nothing else, in His perfect timing when He sees that you are ready (not when you think you're ready), He will add a husband to you. But know that it will be for His glory, not just for your pleasure. So here is my testimony...     

 WAITING ON GOD TESTIMONY 

I was only 19 years old when God began to tell me who my husband was. I knew that I would get married one day but I thought it would be later in life like at the age of 24 or 25. So when God began to tell me that this guy was my husband I thought it was the devil and/or my flesh. I fought against it hard but it didn’t go anywhere, God continued to confirm it over and over. Eventually I received it. God told me to patiently wait and that in His timing He would reveal it to the guy and have him come to me. At the time I was in a ministry that taught about the no boyfriend/girlfriend revelation. That God is not down with it and it’s not God’s order. God is able to give you a spouse without you test driving several different people. Simply keep your eyes on the Lord and He will reveal and bring your spouse to you in His timing. He is the one that chooses for us and He already knows who the person is therefore He does not need our fleshly assistance. As my pastor would say, "You are not boyfriend/girlfriend material you are husband/wife material. God does not play house, He build’s families." God confirmed to me Himself that He desires for relationships to be done differently, not like how the world does it. So I complied with His order and did not date. And sure enough when He saw fit, in His timing, He revealed to me who my God-ordained husband was. 

Within the time span of waiting there was much dying to my flesh, God did a lot of purging, pruning, and showing me wicked things in my heart; I learning what true worship was and how to live out a lifestyle of true worship. God stripped me of many things even in the natural so that I had no choice but to depend on Him and draw closer to Him. He took me through a very painful process of transformation (John 12:24). I learned that God was my husband and dealt with Him like my First Love. I learned how to pray, fast, intercede, make war, and stand strong through trials. It was a process that took great patience and great faith because there were times where I doubted the word and because I did not know when it would happen I had to learn to trust God like never before and not care how long it took. It was first and foremost about my relationship with God, He was using it to build me up in Him. It was more than just getting married, God was using this to build up my faith, strengthen my spirit man, and prepare me for where He was taking me in the Kingdom. God will use whatever trial or situation He desires to use to get you where He needs you to be, and for me this was one of the things He chose to use. IT WAS ALL FOR HIS GLORY!! NOT JUST TO GET A RING ON MY FINGER OR GET MY LAST NAME CHANGED BUT TO BRING GLORY TO HIMSELF THROUGH MY LIFE!!  

Fast forward about 2 ½ years, the very same brother in Christ that God revealed to me was my husband, called me one day and told me that God revealed to him that I was his wife. Not once throughout the time of waiting did I tell him or give him hints. NOT ONCE THOUGHOUT THAT TIME DID WE DATE AROUND OR DATE EACHOTHER. God allowed us to be friends during that time but I still had to wait on God to tell him. It was not easy, it was very hard. I cried, doubted God and asked God ‘why me?’ many times. There were times I would have rather not known but God chose to tell me ahead of time and through God’s strength I was able to wait until the word manifested. GOD IS FAITHFUL, HE KEEPS HIS WORD!!! IF HE SAID HE WOULD DO SOMETHING AND HAS CONFIRMED IT MANY TIMES, THEN KNOW THAT HE WILL DO IT AND CAN DO IT WITHOUT YOU GETTING IN HIS WAY!! We have been engaged now for almost 8 months and from what God has been revealing to us (and what He revealed to me in my time of waiting), godly marriages are for a greater purpose!! You can’t just wanna get married just to have sex and live a comfortable life!! If you can’t pray, stand in the gap, make war, worship, love God more than a spouse, die to your flesh, live holy, obey God, sacrifice, etc., then you’re not ready for marriage. Marriage is ministry. God is using the two of you to prepare one another for the return of Christ!! He wants to use your marriage as a ministry to others to cause them to come to Christ. It’s not just about you, it’s greater than you. IF YOU ARE NOT KINGDOM- MINDED WHILE YOU ARE SINGLE THEN YOU WON’T BE KINGDOM MINDED WHEN YOU GET MARRIED!! Everything that God does has purpose; it’s not about pleasing and tickling our flesh. Trust God’s timing for your life; don’t try to run ahead of Him. What you have planned for your life may not be what He has planned. I didn’t think I’d be engaged by the age of 22, but here I am. AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO DATE AROUND TO ‘SEE WHAT I LIKED’!!! GOD ALREADY KNEW WHO MY SPOUSE WAS, AND WHEN HE SAW THAT WE WERE READY HE BROUGHT US TOGETHER, WE DIDN'T BRING OURSELVES TOGETHER!! God had it all written down in His book before we were even born, but it all depended on our obedience and surrender to His will and plans for our lives. God knows what’s best for His children.  

......So all in all ladies, GOD DOES NOT NEED OUR HELP. We are princesses, a princess does not go out and find her prince, she allows her Father the King to choose a prince for her and bring him to her (and in HIS time and HIS way). All I did was chase after God like my life depended on it. I took my mind off of having a man and focused on God being my husband. I loved on God and allowed Him to work on my heart. AND I DIDN'T DO ALL THESE THINGS JUST SO I COULD GET A MAN, I did these things because I saw how desperately I needed God, I believed His Gospel, and I wanted His power, love, and presence to be real in my life. I loved God simply for Him!!! .....ALLOW GOD TO SCRIPT YOUR LOVE STORY. Your love story may not unfold like mine but know that God already has it all written out. You just have to walk in obedience to His word and His voice. I also want to add that I am a virgin, I've never dated, never kissed, never had a boyfriend, etc., and yet I'm about to get married. The world says you have to do these things in order to get a husband. But in God, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE PARTS OF YOURSELF TO MEN IN ORDER FOR YOU TO GET MARRIED OR "SEE WHAT YOU LIKE!!" God knows what you like and more importantly He knows what you need. God does not want you to do that nor does He need you to do that!! He does not need your flesh, what He needs is your WHOLE HEART and your OBEDIENCE. TRUST HIM!!!!  

I pray that this sincerely blesses and encourages those who read it to wait on God no matter how long it takes or how difficult your situation is. God bless you all. And feel free to ask me questions. <3 :-))  

Here is a link to an article from Set Apart Girl Magazine titled, How To Find A Godly Guy in A Godly Way . I believe this will encourage you as well cause it encouraged me.

Seal your commitment. Join Pinky Promise today. 

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Tribute to Daisy Thompson

October 7th, 1939 - July 15th, 2012

On July 15th, 2012 I woke up earlier than usual. I checked my phone and noticed that I had a message from my cousin Olivia. Tears welled in my eyes as I read that our beloved Aunty Daisy had died just an hour before. Aunty Daisy was the eldest of 5 sisters who my siblings and I affectionately call "the Bakery girls". When my mother moved to Eleuthera in 1986 they became her family. We spent more time in their house than our own. They would bathe us, feed us, put us to bed, fix our hair, get us ready for church and school. It was like I had 5 more mothers in addition to my wonderful mom. 

The night before my mummy died we were at the Bakery girl's house. Mummy was showcasing her jams and hot sauce for a tourism event called "People to People" and Aunty Monica, Aunty Daisy and Aunty Frances were hosting. It was wonderful. Through the night, however, mummy began suffering from an asthma attack. At around 6:00 am on November 25th, 2002 she was rushed to the airport to be taken to Nassau. Shani and I were very anxious and couldn't stay in the house so we got ready for school and walked to the bus stop. Someone from town came to pick us up and drove us to the Bakery. Inside we knew what had happened, but no words were spoken. When we got to the Bakery Olivia was walking down from the house with tears running down her face. I saw her flushed cheeks and I knew. I knew that mummy was gone. Shani started screaming and I have no idea what I did. I just know that Aunty Daisy wrapped her arms around me...and I wept.

After we lost our mother the Bakery girls went into high gear making sure we were provided for. The back room was always open to us and whenever we came over (even if it was by surprise) food would be waiting for us. We were never turned away. We were never treated like a nuisance. They just loved on us any opportunity they got. 

Moving away was difficult. I missed Grammy, Olivia and each of the Bakery girls. I missed stealing dough, nagging them to make me baked sweet potato, sitting on the porch eating sugar cane, running around in the yard and of course eating dozens of pineapple tarts and fresh bread. They are my Eleuthera.

This past week I've been seeing daisies all along the road as I walk to the bus stop. I know it's her way of comforting me from heaven.

In October of 2010 I had a dream about Aunty Daisy. It wasn't anything alarming, but it prompted me to call. Eventually I was able to get through to them and spoke to each sister in turn. Aunty Daisy was laying down so I spoke to her last. She seemed strong so I put my worries to rest and never mentioned my dream. June 2011 was an entirely different story. Aunty Daisy couldn't keep food down and had lost a lot of weight. I knew enough to know that she had symptoms of some sort of cancer but was afraid to even breathe the c-word. At that point I told Aunty Theola about my dream and that it was important Aunty Daisy see a doctor as soon as possible. She did...and was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.

Pancreatic cancer is one of the most deadly forms of cancer, particularly because it is rarely detected until it is too late. Most people don't last 3 months after their diagnosis, but our strong, beautiful Aunty Daisy lasted a full year. Even though she was afraid, she was determined to fight. She was so scared to leave us behind and every goodbye was painful for her. When I hugged her in September of 2011 right before I was leaving to go back to Canada I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever see her alive. Oh Lord, I miss her.

Daisy Thompson was a skilled baker, wonderful sister, caring mother to her adopted children, great friend, excellent farmer and all around amazing person. The following video is a tribute to her. At the end you'll hear the last message I received from her. I wanted to drop all of my classes to see her right away and she, being the unselfish woman she was, was trying to convince me that she would wait for me. As soon as I put my phone down I began making arrangements to come home. I've also included the speech I made at her funeral. Please don't ever forget Aunty Daisy. This blog can't begin to hold all the memories I have of her or how great of a person she was to my sister, brother and myself.

Thank you for reading.

Funeral Tribute

July 28th, 2012

When Zane and I were born mummy took us up to the Bakery. She handed Zane to Aunty Frances. And said, "Here, see your son." I don't know who she handed me to but I'm sure I went from hand to hand because they knewwww I'd be a lot to handle. I've known their voices, their smells and their touch before I knew myself.

I love all of the sisters and have a different relationship with each one. They are my second, third, fourth, fith and sixth mothers; without them I would not be the woman I am today and I am forever grateful. Aunty Daisy was always the sweet, nurturing one. She would always listen to my stories and my concerns. She'd stand in the hot bakery giving me advice and instructions or stand around us at the dinner table making sure we knew what she expected of us. She was so thoughtful and kind: she'd send a box of rolls for me every so often (because everyone knows I love bread). She was always finding ways to make us all feel loved.

Last summer when she first found out she was sick I layed in her lap and she stroked my hair trying to calm MY worries. She was just that kind of person. Although she was afraid she still had enough love inside her to reach out and easy my fears. She had so much love I always questioned why she never got married and had children of her own. She told me that she loved her freedom – doing what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it and always poured her love onto us. Anytime we came to the house Aunty Daisy would make sure we ate. She'd double check that we had sheets and always saved a few rolls for me. I'd go into the Bakery sometimes, put on an angel face and say "Aunty Daisy can I have a roll?" She'd say "Yes Zemi, take a roll." I know I wore her patience sometimes but she never told me no.

I remember how Aunty Daisy’s face lit up when she saw Olivia and I enter the hospital room after her first operation and how proud she was to tell the doctor we were her nieces. I remember how tight she held onto us as she cried when Aunty Monica and Aunty Betty were in the accident. I remember how she was the first person to hug me as she told me the news that my mummy had died...and I could never bring myself to accept I’d have to let her go. I tried to give her strength. All year long I prayed and prayed asking God to take some years of my life so she could have more time.

The past year has been so hard. While I was in Canada I thought of her everyday. She promised me a week before she died that she’d try to hold on until August when I was done my final exams. I told myself that wasn't a promise she had authority to make and I made plans to come home. I prayed to God and told him to tell her not to hold on for me if she wanted to go because I didn't have the nerve to tell her myself. My flight was Monday morning. I packed and repacked in anticipation to see her, but as God would have it, she passed away the day before I came. I will never understand God, but I know he knows best.

Aunty Daisy we love you. Even when you lost the weight and didn't feel confident we loved you. When you laughed we loved you. When you cried we loved you. When you scolded us we loved you. When you fed us we loved you. When you advised us we loved you. When you protected us we loved you. When you lived we love you...in death we love you.

They told me you told the nurses "Zemi coming!" with a smile on your face. I want you to know that I am still coming and I'll live my best life to be where you are one day. I know you missed Grammy and your Daddy and even my Mummy. I know you're happy. I know why you said, “Yes Lord take me.” I know you're pain free and I also know I will always, always love you and never, ever forget you.

Thank you.

Oliva (left) and I were fighting to have her attention so she picked us both up. Such love.

Remember to cherish your loved ones while they are still with you.

Love, today.

My Lips

pomegranate stained 

and mine they

won't be touched

pink from birth

with a line down

the middle of the

bottom from the

hit of a softball 

pushed out like the

 beak of a duck 

pouted to show

dissonance and the

faded memory of

a five year old girl

beautifully shaped

and bowed down

to greet your majesty

saved just for me

no french kiss

to evoke bliss

no slow lingering touch

of pink to brown

they're mine

and with me is

where they belong

Written: December 23rd, 2012

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Spoken Word: "It's Okay"

"It's Okay"

Written: October 24th, 2012

NOTE: MATURE CONTENT

Abuse - in all it's forms (emotional, verbal, physical, etc) - is more common than you think. Violence in relationships is more common than you could ever imagine. Look at me, read my words, see my strength and know that this (this!) happened to me. 

I am two years out and have healed so, so much. I want to inspire you, your sisters and your friends. I want you to know that no matter what happened to you, you will be okay. 

It’s okay because I have no scars

It’s okay because it doesn't hurt anymore

It’s okay because I no longer cry myself to sleep

It’s okay because the time you kicked me, I got up

It’s okay because the time you spit in my face, I washed my face

It’s okay because even though I have a bump showing that my jaw has not realigned

I can still talk fine and I look fine

It’s okay

It’s alright that you cheated on me

It’s alright that you fxcked another girl four days before

I flew across the Atlantic to say “Hi” to your dick

Yeah it’s alright

It’s alright that you claimed she was just a friend

It’s alright that you stayed up past 3AM texting this one, that one, her and her and her

It's alright that when I saw the BBM message and wanted to fight you

That you fought back

It’s alright that you punched me three times in my arm to form a perfect purple circle

To get me to calm down

It doesn’t matter that you tore off my self esteem

It doesn’t matter that you made me wish I could carve out the part of me that was white

And “Of the Devil”

It doesn’t matter that I would sit and look at my skin reaching the borderline of crazy

Wondering where white started and black ended so I could tear out the part you didn’t like

That part you said made me a bitch

It doesn’t matter

That I had an anxiety attack in public

It doesn’t matter that I cried to my dead mother begging her to take me because I can’t do this

It does not matter that I felt alone

That the whole world was calling but I had no phone

Because you threw it in the snow

It does not matter

That I have tried to hit you and slap you and tear you down with my words

Only to feel a blow I could never have power to give

No it doesn’t matter

When you kicked me as I cried

You kicked me as I cried

You kicked me as I cried

With your strong soccer legs

When you punched me in that same leg and I screammmed

It does not matter

That I sat in a counselor’s chair trying to figure out how to kill this

Angry

Battered

Woman

It doesn’t matter that she couldn’t help me

It doesn’t matter that people thought I was crazy

I do not care

Although I still shed tears because I remember how my heart was broken

I know my spirit never was

Even though I still have flashbacks

I have found a way to trust

Because I learned that God is bigger than you

I was led away from Egypt

Through the Red Sea of my tears and blood

I was delivered

And I have forgiven you

I have learned to never raise my hand

To never threaten

To answer with a gentle tongue and not a slave master’s whip

I have learned that this is life

And I have to get a grip

I have learned that it is not okay, it is not alright, it does matter and that I do care

I have learned that to tear you down will not raise me up

I have learned that within the sheep’s skin can be a wolf

I have learned that I can still love through my abuse

I have learned that I can walk away from yesterday

Because what is yesterday should not dictate what I say Yes to today

I have learned that in my hands I hold strength

 In my heart I hold will

In my mind I can hold peace

 With my feet I can be firm 

And with my legs I can walk away

Today it is okay

Today it is alright

Today it does not matter

Today I do not care that I went through the valley of the shadow of death

Because today I am here

And I have learned

That I am okay

I'm okay

Please know that you too will be okay.

All my love,

Zemi

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